Vacation is supposed to be relaxing, but when family obligations are involved, planning a vacation can be a source for conflict. In all cases, conflict resolution depends on carefully listening to and empathizing with the other party. Express yourself clearly and carefully, being sensitive of the other person. Stick to your decision by avoiding situations in which you might be pressured into changing your mind. Work together with everyone involved in the conflict to find a solution that works.
StepsMethod 1Method 1 of 3:Talking to Your Family About Your Decision
1Choose a place free of distractions. When deciding how to talk to your family or partner about the vacation, choose a location that is not noisy. For instance, do not talk to your family or partner when they are watching TV or talking on the phone. Talking during dinner, for instance, might be a good time to discuss visiting family on your vacation.X
2Listen to what your family or partner says. Pay careful attention to their words. Nod, lean forward, and make eye contact to show you’re listening. Be active when listening. If you have questions or want clarification about something your partner or family says, don’t be afraid to ask.XRephrase what your partner or family member says occasionally so as to ensure you’re understanding their main argument in favor of visiting family on your vacation.For instance, if you have a partner, they might say, “Our vacation will take us very close to where my family lives and it would be easy for us to visit them.” You might sum up their statement by asking, “Oh, so you think it would be pretty convenient for us to visit your family on vacation?”Encourage your family to share with you exactly what their problem is with you not visiting them on your vacation.X Say things like “I’m really interested in why it’s so important that I visit you, my family, during my vacation.”
3Empathize with your family. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. In other words, imagine the situation from their perspective. If the conflict is between you and your partner, ask yourself how you’d feel if you wanted to see your family on vacation and they did not want to. If the conflict is between you and your family, ask yourself how you would feel if they did not want to visit you on their vacation.XTry not to see the discussion as a contest. Just because you and your family (or you and your partner) have different ideas about how to spend your vacation doesn’t mean that either of you loves the other any less.XIf you have a partner, think about their reasons for not wanting to visit family during your vacation.X Perhaps, for instance, they’d prefer to spend their vacation relaxing by the beach because their company had a tough quarter and they want to relax. Perhaps your partner does not enjoy spending time with your family. Maybe your partner thinks that you visit your family too often, and wants to make the vacation a time when the two of you can connect without the pressures of either your family or theirs.
4Address the specific points. Take your partner’s concerns or your family’s concerns seriously and help them find an alternative. Express agreement with things your partner or family says that you agree with.XFor instance, if your partner says they want to see their parents, you might say, “I can tell you really want to see your parents. Let’s visit them together after the vacation.”If a family member says, “I am very sick and getting older. I would like to see you during your vacation,” you might reply, “That’s true. I will visit you once my vacation is concluded.”
5Do not reply to your family or partner with a vague dismissal. For instance, don’t say to your family, “You don’t need to see me on my vacation.” If your partner suggests using vacation time to see their parents, don’t say, “You don’t need to see them.”X
6Explain to the other person(s) what you are feeling. Are you uninterested in visiting family on vacation because they constantly criticize you? Is it because they are always yelling and fighting? Or is it simply because your vacation is relatively brief? Whatever the reason, identify it and explain it to your family.XBe clear and concise when explaining your feelings. For instance, do not say to your family, “I have this feeling as though I might not want to visit you during vacation. I’m not sure. I can’t really explain it.” Instead, try saying, “I feel that I would be happier spending my vacation in China rather than visiting family.”You might find that a story is the best way to explain why you feel that you’re uninterested in visiting family on vacation.X For example, you might begin your explanation by saying, “Do you remember the last time I visited you on vacation? The baby threw up everywhere and I was struck by a car. It was terrible. I don’t want to relive that or risk a repeat episode.”
7Avoid accusatory language. Instead of blaming your family by saying “My vacation is always about you,” or blaming your partner by saying, “Our vacations are always about you. You’re too selfish,” explain your feelings in terms of your own experience. Use “I” language in the form of “I would rather not spend time with family on our vacation” or — if addressing your family — saying “I would prefer not to visit you on my vacation.”XDo not make generalizations. Avoid using words like “always” and “never,” and phrases like “all the time” or “every time.”For instance, avoid saying “You always get your way when go on vacation.”Before speaking, think about how your words might sound to your partner.
8Stay on topic. If your goal in the conversation is to convince your partner to visit your family on vacation, do not get derailed talking about the sorts of events or activities you wish to do during your vacation (unless, of course, this impinges directly on the argument you’re making in favor of bringing your family along.) If your goal is to convince your family that you have the right to spend your vacation as you wish, do not get derailed by conversations about how you are ungrateful because they raised you and paid your way through university.XFor instance, if you say, “I would prefer not to visit family on my vacation” and your family says “But I visited you when I was on vacation,” simply say, “Yes, and we had great fun. However, that was your choice. I choose to spend my vacation differently.”
9Use relevant details. When trying to convince your family or partner to see your side of things, be specific. Don’t use vague statements like “Someday I would like to visit my family during our vacation.” Instead, say, “We’ve visited your family four times in the last four months. Don’t you think it’s only fair that we visit my family on this vacation?”X
10Stay calm. When in conversation with your partner or family, do not yell or use foul language. Always be respectful and mature when talking to your family or partner. Speak to them as you wish to be spoken to. Do not strike or lash out at your family or partner.XBreathing exercises are useful for remaining calm. If you feel yourself getting stressed, close your eyes and breathe in for three seconds through your nose. Exhale for five seconds through your mouth. Repeat until you feel more relaxed.If emotions are running high and you feel that you or your partner/family are getting too stressed, take a break. Say, for instance, “This seems to be getting us nowhere. Let’s talk more about this later.”XMethod 2Method 2 of 3:Being Resolute
1Avoid situations in which you will be worn down. If you are talking to your family and they continue to bring up the fact that they’d very much like you to visit them during your next vacation, you might give in to their pressure. To keep this from happening, take a break from spending time with family members who do not respect your decision to not visit family on vacation.XFor instance, if you and your father are talking on the phone and he says, “It would be great if you’d visit me during your upcoming vacation,” reply simply, “Thank you, but I’ve decided to go elsewhere for my vacation.”If he continues to pressure you, say, “It was nice seeing you, but I’ll be heading home now.”
2Allow yourself to feel confident and empowered by your decision. You may be tempted to feel guilty or like you’ve done something wrong by not spending your vacation visiting family, but try to focus on the fact that you made the decision that was best for you, even though it was hard. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the reactions of others — if you family chooses to take offense to your decision, that is a shame, but it’s not your fault.Family or not, no one should be making you feel guilty for the choices you make — especially a trivial one such as where you want to spend your hard-earned vacation time.
3Get in the habit of sticking to your decisions. Willpower is like a muscle. If you exercise it frequently, your ability to stick to your decisions and remain strong in the face of difficulty will increase. If you’re easily swayed by the desires and commands of others, you will have a hard time being resolute in your choice to not visit your family on vacation.XTo get in the habit of saying “No” and sticking to it, make more difficult decisions and follow through on them.For instance, if you are dieting, you might decide, “I am not going to have dessert because it will not help me meet my dieting goals.” Follow through on this decision and deny yourself dessert.
4Divide your vacation into steps. You’ll have better luck sticking to your decision to not visit your family on vacation if you move toward that goal one step at a time. For instance, you can imagine your vacation as a process consisting of steps like making hotel reservations, booking a flight, deciding what sights to see, packing your bag, heading to the airport, and boarding your flight.XAs you accomplish each step along the way, you’ll begin to see that your decision to not visit family on vacation is much closer to becoming a reality.
5Don’t let your family control you. Once you’ve decided not to visit your family, stick to your decision. If, for instance, your parents call you frequently to try and change your mind — or if your in-laws call trying to pressure your partner to change their mind — be strong. Say simply, “No, we’ve decided that we will not have enough time during our vacation to visit.”XIf they are calling to the point of extreme, let the call go to voicemail. Then you can choose a time to call them back when you feel confident and ready to talk.Remember that you don’t have to tell your extended family that you are even taking a vacation. You don not need to feel obligated to tell them about your decisions.Don’t let yourself feel guilty for doing what you want. Remember, it’s your life.
6Use your imagination to think about something else. If the conflict about not visiting your family vacation is hanging heavy on your shoulders, you might find it hard to think about anything else. But if you open your imagination, you’ll find that you can use it to strengthen your will and stick to your decision.XTry imagining that your family supports your decision not to visit them during your vacation. These thoughts will help you relax and make it easier to remain resolute in the face of the conflict.You might find other ways to distract yourself from the conflict, too. For instance, you might curl up on the couch with a good book or view a film at your local movie theatre.Method 3Method 3 of 3:Staying Positive and Avoiding Future Conflict
1Solve the conflict together. Once you understand why your family so values your visit — or why your partner so values the two of you visiting their family — you can either reiterate your own reasons for not wanting to visit family on your vacation or decide to agree that visiting family is a good use of your vacation time. Ideally, you’ll be able to solve the conflict by compromising with your family or partner. For instance, instead of visiting family for four days on your vacation, you only visit them for two.XIf you compromise and they still complain and continuously try to make you feel guilty — for instance, that two days wasn’t nearly enough time — kindly and gently express to them that a short visit is better than no visit. You might say something like, “Yeah, the two days did go by pretty fast. I’m just glad our schedule allowed us to visit — for a while it didn’t seem like we would be able to see you at all.”You may need to have a couple conversations with all interested parties about the decision to visit or not visit family during your vacation. If the other party is very upset and even obsessing over the situation, tell them you will continue the conversation later and give them some space to calm down. This will also afford you the opportunity to gather yourself and recommit yourself to your decision.
2Invite the family along. Instead of visiting family on your vacation — either yours or partner’s — invite them to tag along. If you have a partner, check with them to see if such a situation would be amenable. For instance, if your family is going to Cape May but your partner wants to visit their family during vacation, ask them if they’d like to invite their family to Cape May.X
3Recognize that you won’t always be able to please your family. Your family might say they’re disappointed or upset that you won’t be visiting. If this occurs, remember that you cannot always make everyone happy. Your family will get over it, given enough time.XIf you know that you won’t be spending your vacation with your family, don’t suggest that you will think about it or that there is a possibility that you will.Remember, your family will still love you even if you don’t visit them during your vacation.
4Avoid making your partner the enemy. If you have a significant other, make a decision with them before talking to your family. Then, let your parents or other relevant family members know your decision. If your parents, for instance, ask if it was your partner’s decision to go on vacation without visiting them, simply say, “We made the decision together.” This will avoid giving your parents a reason to dislike your partner.X
5Forgive your family. Forgiveness means letting go of pain or frustration. When your family caused a conflict about how you went on vacation without visiting them, you might be quite irritated. But holding onto your pain and frustration about the conflict will prevent you from ever actually getting over it.XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to sourceDecide if you want to tell your family member that you’ve forgiven them. If the conflict over your decision not to visit your family on vacation caused a significant rift between you, you might want to call them or talk to them directly to let them know that you forgive them. You might say, for instance, “I forgive you for your part in the conflict that ensued over the fact that I did not visit you on vacation.”XIf you believe you also had a role in causing the conflict about not visiting family on vacation, you might add, “I hope that you can forgive me, too.”
6Consider how you grew as a result of the conflict. When you were in conflict with your family over the fact that you didn’t visit them on vacation, you probably learned something that could help you avoid conflict or understand yourself better. For instance, perhaps this was the first time you ever did something your family disapproved of. This might make you realize that you are a strong person.XWhatever your case may be, reflect on what you learned about yourself and your family through the conflict.
7Recognize that your family is imperfect. Whether you were in a conflict with your partner, parents, or another family member, remind yourself that they are only human. You could do this by saying to yourself, “They are only human, and therefore flawed, as am I.” X
