Family gatherings can sometimes bring out the worst in people. Avoid the drama by anticipating possible sources of stress, and trying to minimize the desire to stir up old grudges. Step away from heated moments. Simplify your expectations of what the family gathering should be. Focus on appreciating the positives and taking care of yourself to reduce stress.
StepsPart 1Part 1 of 3:Handling Triggers that Lead to Drama
1Anticipate possible stressors. Before a family gathering, think about the stressors that you may face. Maybe you’re worried about seeing an irritating aunt, or listening to your mother make negative comments about your cooking. By having greater awareness of possible triggers, you’ll be better able to handle them.XConsider writing down the most common stressors you encounter when at family gatherings. Then identify possible ways to handle these.The greater awareness you have of what’s going to bother you, the greater power you have to control how you’ll react.Avoid filling your head with negative thoughts and expectations! Identify potential stressors and plan how you will deal with them, then go to the family gathering with an open mind and give everyone the chance to behave well.
2Have a plan beforehand about how to respond. Depending on what’s a sources of stress and drama at your family gatherings, plan and possibly rehearse a response to certain family members. For things that seem out of your control, have a back-up plan so that you’re not feeling disappointed again.XFor example, if you’re getting over a break-up or a recent set-back at work, you may dread talking about your relationship or work. Instead of getting upset when people ask you these possible questions, consider having a stock answer that makes it easy to move on and then change the subject. Find ways to make the conversation about general interests rather than heated personal topics.Consider a stock answer such as, “Sometimes we can’t control how things go, but we just need to keep trying to move forward. Did you catch the championship game last night? It was really intense.” If the person pushes the issue, remember it is perfectly acceptable to say, “You know, I’d really rather not talk about that. Thanks.”Have a back-up plan for you or your kids if the family gathering seems to be boring, or the scheduled time for dinner is running later than expected. For example, kids can get bored more easily and get hungry more often. Have some games or toys for them at the event to keep them occupied when they’re bored, or a stash of extra snacks if they’re hungry.
3Have a friend or partner act as a buffer. Having a friend or partner present could help to lessen drama, depending on the person you’re bringing. If your current partner or spouse is generally low-key, talk with them about your concerns about family drama. Ask them to help you stay calm in difficult situations. Or, you could bring a neighbor or friend that may serve as a healthy distraction to the gathering.XA friend, co-worker, or neighbor could serve to draw attention away from you, and help others to act better in front of new company. This friend can act as a “wingman” of sorts, allowing you to possibly exit early or avoid certain confrontations. For example, your friend could intervene and start talking about the latest blockbuster movie if a difficult uncle tries to bring up politics.Consider talking with your partner about intervening in certain situations with your parents or siblings. For example, discuss with your partner about concerns that you and your sister may bicker over religious views. By giving advanced warning to your partner, they may be able to subtly remind you to stay calm and move on from the argument.
4Avoid using this time to air your grievances. Maybe there’s an old grudge between you and your brother that you’re concerned will become a source of drama. At a family gathering, people come to have an enjoyable time, so they don’t want to caught in the middle of old childhood feuds. XTry letting go of the grudge during the family gathering. Even if things are still unresolved, family gatherings aren’t the time to bring them up. Try scheduling one-on-one time with the person you need to speak with. If the grudge is very fresh, consider sitting this family gathering out. Be sure to catch the next one, however, so that it doesn’t lead to a rift within the family.If you feel like you can’t forgive the person, try focusing your attention to other people who make you feel supported at the event.Part 2Part 2 of 3:Coping in the Moment
1Take a deep breath and stay calm. Think about how you want to handle yourself, by staying calm and focused. Close your eyes and listen to your breath for a moment. Take your mind away from the stress in the present and redirect your thoughts to feeling at peace.Consider doing breathing exercises, such as slowly inhaling your breath, holding it, and then slowly releasing your breath.Tune out the people or conversations that are a source of stress in that heated moment. Focus on how you want to feel in control of yourself. This way you can avoid starting, or getting in the middle of, family drama.Before the gathering, practice visualization exercises that take you to a happy, peaceful place, then you can more readily pull these images from your memory in the moment.
2Resist the urge to argue and fight. Avoid immediately reacting as angry, hurt, or upset. If it seems the other side just wants to pick a fight, recognize that fighting back and arguing with them will likely lead nowhere.XListen to your body if you find yourself getting worked up. Physical signs of stress may occur even before you get upset.Be polite if possible, and show them that you’re not interested in stirring up arguments or drama.Consider saying things like, “I know that you’re feeling upset. I don’t want to argue or fight about this. I want this time with our family to be fun and enjoyable. Can we call a truce for now?”
3Step away and give yourself some air during heated moments. Have some breathing room during family gatherings that are likely to be stressful. It’s better to excuse yourself and take a walk rather than to sit and be increasingly miserable.XIf your family is casually sitting around and having a picnic for example, consider taking a walk around the neighborhood or the event area. This way you can clear your head. A little exercise can help to reduce stress hormones.If the gathering is more formal such as a sit-down Christmas dinner, consider excusing yourself from the table and going into another room that’s private such as the bathroom or walking into a different area of the house.You can also excuse yourself and call a friend who can help calm you down and remind you of your goals.
4Simplify expectations. Sometimes you might have high expectations of a family gathering, especially if you’re the one hosting or helping to set up the event. Try minimizing all-or-nothing thinking in which you feel like you’ve failed if the dinner plans are a bit off or some guests’ travel plans change.XRealize that life is full of little pitfalls, and things don’t always go as planned.Be a source of calm and peace when things change rather than getting upset. By understanding that we’re all human, you’ll be less apt to judge yourself and others. Try saying things like, “Oh well! What matters is we’re all here and enjoying family time.”Part 3Part 3 of 3:Appreciating the Positive
1Focus on the positives at family gatherings. Instead of trying to correct or criticize others, try to focus on their good intentions and kindness. For example, your mother or aunt may want to help you in the kitchen. They may come off as trying to control the situation, but think instead of their offer to help as a sense of generosity.XIf someone offers some criticism about the event, try include them rather than getting upset with their judgments. For example, if your cousin likes to have a fire going during Christmas dinner, ask for their help or a trusted adult’s help with setting it up. Do not step in and try to accommodate everybody. This can result in resentment and feeling like a failure. Instead, encourage them to get their own needs met. Say, “That sounds wonderful. You’re welcome to start a fire if you’d like.”Offer words of appreciation when you see that someone is trying to be helpful even if it comes off a little awkward. Say things like, “I really appreciate your ideas” or “Thanks, I’ll consider that next time.”
2Focus your time on fun, group activities. Redirect any stressful or negative interactions towards games, movies, and lighthearted fun. Group activities are a good way to bond with your family, and develop stronger connections other than bickering. Consider these types of activities to help keep interactions positive:XPlay board games that get everyone engaged and focused. Consider games that appropriate for different ages levels so that they interest both kids and adults.Consider playing team games like Charades. This can help to foster teamwork, rather than bickering with each other.Have people work together to make sweet treats and desserts. Getting together in the kitchen to make things can be another opportunity to bond.Play a lighthearted comedy movie for the family. Make it feel like the whole gang is going to the movie theater. This can help to keep the drama low when people are quietly watching the movie instead of arguing.
3Be grateful. While your family may drive you crazy from time to time, it’s important to focus on being thankful for what you have, and the opportunity to share precious time with them. Take a moment and think of someone who lost a loved one and send them positive thoughts or prayer. This can help increase your gratefulness for what you have. By focusing on gratitude, this will help both your emotional and physical health. Stress will be less when you feel appreciative of the moments that you share.XInstead of focusing your negative energy on the people who make your life stressful, identify three or more family members that you’ll encounter who are supportive and caring. Remind yourself of their generosity when you’re feeling low.Focus your time on giving back. Help at a family gathering when you can. Offer time or resources to make the event special. Try working together to make it easier for everyone.
4Take time for yourself to reduce stress. Do not force family gatherings to last for extended periods of time! If they go well, wrap them up and do not give them time to deteriorate by forcing them to extend past their natural lengths of time. Remember to take time and love yourself. Have activities ready to help you handle stress, and make you feel whole again. Consider these self-care activities:XGet a massage or take a hot bath.Practice meditation or yoga.Have a warm drink with a friend.Exercise, go to the gym, or take a walk.Find a peaceful, private space such as the outdoors or a bookstore.Listen to soothing music and get plenty of rest.
