Sex appeal is hard to pin down–it’s a quality that draws you to someone, powerfully and instantly. But just because it’s hard to understand doesn’t mean that it’s hard to cultivate for yourself. Confidence and flirtatiousness are universally sexy, while more specific tips and tricks break down along gender lines. See Step 1 to learn how to project sexy confidence and get your mojo working.
StepsMethod 1Method 1 of 4:Being Flirtatious
1Flirt boldly. There are plenty of shrinking violets in the world, but people who are self-assured and comfortable are rare. Make yourself stand out by being unafraid to make a move: initiate flirting, speak clearly and confidently, and let the other person know you’re interested. You don’t have to be drop-dead handsome or a genius to be good at flirting. All it takes is self-assurance, a little bit of courage, and a sense of supply and demand. You’ll make yourself irresistible.
2Break the ice. The scariest part of any flirt? Approaching someone. It’s hard to feel confident and sexy when your palms are sweating and you’re trying to think of something brilliant to say to a hottie. But breaking the ice doesn’t need to be overly complicated. Gather yourself, use open body language and friendly, non-threatening posture, and lead with a basic question or observation to open up conversation.Try to read the person to get some sense of their humor and attitude before making your move. If you’ve just seen someone roll their eyes at the super-drunk host of the party you’re both at, walk up to them and say quietly, “This party is dead. I’m organizing a jailbreak, you in?” Ice broken.Don’t think too much about having a killer opening to your flirt. Introducing yourself and asking someone’s name is a perfectly reasonable way of breaking the ice, as well as super-general questions, like, “What brings you here?” or “How’s your night going?” You don’t have to be Shakespeare.Avoid lines. Looking at you, fellas. Jokey one-liners designed to break the ice more often have the effect of turning people off completely, making you seem unserious, immature, and ignorant. Never fall back on a dumb joke when you’re trying to be sexy. It’s not.Advertisement
3Make eye contact. When you’re trying to flirt with someone, don’t look at the ground, or over their shoulder, or at the ceiling. Look them right in the eyes.[1]XExpert Source
Nicole MooreLove & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 6 October 2021. Holding someone’s gaze communicates both intimacy and confidence, and it’s the easiest thing you can do to become a master flirt. Instant sex appeal.
4Speak clearly. When you’re flirting, talk loud enough so someone won’t have to struggle to hear you, enunciate your words, and try not to stumble over your words. Slow down and speak carefully. Don’t rush through what you’re trying to say. Be sexier than that.If you need a second to catch your breath and consider what you’re going to say, take it! Buy yourself a little time by keeping eye contact and smiling. If the worst thing that happens to your friend is that a sexy and confident person smiles at them and loses the ability to speak, let’s just say you’re probably making someone’s day.
5Don’t forget to listen. To get a good flirtation session going, you need to accomplish two things: portray yourself as an interesting and sexy person worth knowing, and to learn whether or not the person you’re talking to is worth knowing. You can up your sex appeal by being a good, empathetic listener who’s genuinely curious and interested in the other person. Practice good listening skills, paying close attention and responding thoughtfully.Don’t one-up. It’s not flirtatious to respond to someone’s carefully told story or anecdote about getting a bat out of their house with an off-hand response to how you used to get hundreds of bats in your house as a kid and how it’s not a big deal. It’s not a competition. Empathize, don’t perform or show off.
6Find the “door” in each sentence to keep the conversation moving forward. If you’re struggling to think of things to say to someone you’re flirting with, ask questions and try to look for the next opening in the conversation. Think of it like you’re in a hallway looking for doors you can walk through into other rooms of subjects.If someone says, “I just graduated,” it might be tempting to ask, “What’d you study?” but that might not give you anything to work with if the answers is, “experimental particle physics with a minor in Latin.” Instead, ask more open questions, like “How’d you like school?” or “What do you want to do with your degree?” Get to know the person on a more complicated level.Questions can go too far. Make sure you pay particularly close attention to the person’s responses and body language to get a sense if you’re over-stepping it into creeper territory. Don’t bug people. If the person keeps turning away, as if they’re looking for an out, or are giving you closed-off one-word answers, cut the conversation short and leave them alone. There’s nothing sexy about overstaying your welcome.
7Focus on common ground. When you’re first entering into flirtatious conversation, resist the urge to launch into your life story, to start complaining about something, or to talk about esoteric concepts or ideas.If you do talk about yourself, keep it interesting. The mundane details of your day aren’t as sexy and interesting as other topics of conversation. Think about what makes you unique, and find subtle ways to reference it without giving too much away.
8Reach out carefully. Done appropriately, a gentle and friendly bit of touching can take your flirtation to the next level and can do a lot to attract someone. Done incorrectly, you can be a super-creeper with an eye full of mace. Use your judgment and always keep any attempt to touch someone you’re flirting with in neutral territory like the arm, hand, or the shoulder.[2]XResearch sourceIn general, men should not touch someone they’re flirting with. It too often comes off as overly-aggressive and forward. Women should have the power in this situation, but can effectively communicate they’re attracted by playfully pushing a shoulder, touching a hand or an arm.
9Limit your exposure. People tend to like things that are rare and novel, and lack of supply increases demand. If you want to stick in your flirt’s mind, you’ve got to leave them wanting more. If it goes on too long, you might run out of things to say and leave on a sour note. Instead, come up with a quick out, and ask to exchange numbers, then make concrete plans to get together sometime. That’s sexy.Uncomplicate the flirt by being totally honest. You don’t have to come up with an elaborate excuse why you need to leave, just say, “Well, I’m going to get back to my friends, but I think I’m going to be thinking about your eyes all night. Can I give you my number? I’d love to have dinner sometime.”AdvertisementMethod 2Method 2 of 4:Projecting Confidence
1Make yourself feel sexy. Whether you’re going out for a night on the town, hanging out with your spouse, or going to school, if you want to up your sex appeal, make your own comfort and confidence a priority.[3]XExpert Source
Nicole MooreLove & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 6 October 2021. For some of us, that might mean rocking a new pair of pumps and a tight-fitting dress, while others of us might feel more confident in a straightforward shirt and pants. Whatever you’re wearing, if you feel sexy, you’ll be sexy.Try to find some kind of middle ground between the sweatpants-and-slippers level of comfort and the 6-inch-Louboutains level of super-sexy high fashion. You don’t have to go all out like you’re on the runway, but you do need to make sure your clothes are appropriately-fitted, clean, and that you’re well groomed and looking your best if you want to be comfy and feel great.
2Take care of your body. Spend a little time each day grooming yourself and giving your body the care and attention it deserves.[4]XExpert Source
Nicole MooreLove & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 6 October 2021. Hair, make-up, oral hygiene, and other little things can do wonders for your self-confidence. It’s hard to feel sexy and project sex appeal if you’re anxious that you don’t smell great. Be confident that you’ve done everything necessary to look your best.You don’t have to be a chiseled hard-body to gain more confidence and pride in your appearance. But if you don’t feel comfortable with your stomach, or some other part of your body, take care of it. Put work into your body to get fit and become more confident. Even losing a few pounds can drastically affect your self-confidence, and your sex appeal.Start slow. Many people get turned off of the idea of losing weight because of overly-elaborate weight-loss schemes and complicated workout regimens. It doesn’t have to be that complex. Start going on long walks instead of taking public transportation, or start doing short sets 5-10 each, of push-ups and sit-ups while you watch television. It’ll go fast and help you start getting fit. You may even like it.
3Use open body language. Practice working on your posture, keeping your shoulders back and your chin up to present yourself as someone who is open to conversation and to interaction. Stand (or sit) up straight and project an appearance of comfort and confidence being in the world you inhabit. Even if you’re on the train, exhausted after working all day, keep up straight. You never know whose eye you might catch.Closed body language includes slouching, crossing your arms, or burying your head into your telephone. If you want to seem unapproachable and icy, close off your body language and people will get the hint.
4Make decisions with confidence. Trust your own judgment and your ability to pay attention to input from others, and choose what you think is best. You’re just as capable as anyone of making the right choice.It’s not sexy to hem and haw at the menu for 20 minutes while everyone else is done. Make a choice and be done with it. If you’re getting together with friends to go out for the night, don’t spend a lot of time second-guessing the club you’re hitting up. Once you’ve pulled the trigger, let it go and be confident you’ve made the right choice. People are attracted to that.
5Accept rejection gracefully. If someone’s not picking up on your obvious sex appeal, move on without comment. Like a duck, let that water roll off your back. Keeping yourself above petty squabbles and fights maintains an air of mystery, as well as leaving the door open if the other person changes his or her mind down the road. Plus, others will be impressed with your obvious confidence, which is inherently sexy.Attraction is complicated, and there are multiple reasons why it might not be there. Instead of acting bitter and hurt, maintain your friendly composure. Maybe you struck out with this person, but someone else could notice how your confidence seems untouchable.
6Smile. Maybe nothing is more simple but less obvious than a pleased, attractive, confident smile.[5]XExpert Source
Nicole MooreLove & Relationship CoachExpert Interview. 6 October 2021. Is there anything sexier than a good, genuine smile? To radiate sexiness, keep an amused half-smile on your face, regardless of what you’re doing, but especially when talking or flirting with a cutie. You should look like you want to be there, not like your mind is elsewhere.Smiling also draws people’s attention to your mouth, dragging their mind into thoughts of kissing you. If you smile, you’ll be that much closer to locking lips.In fashion ads and runways, models always have a grimace or scowl locked on their face. While fashion models are a certain kind of sexy, that sexy is also unapproachable and “distant” by design. You’re supposed to aspire to the product they’re selling, a relationship you’d like to avoid when chatting up strangers and meeting singles.AdvertisementMethod 3Method 3 of 4:Attracting Women
1Take charge. Research reveals that women prefer prospective partners to make quick, efficient decisions and to be confident in their choices. Don’t shy away from taking control of a situation, whether it’s deciding where to go for dinner or accepting leadership of a long-term project. Being a fearless in your actions is inherently sexy, even if it’s only in small, everyday ways.This doesn’t mean you have to be an alpha jerk—there’s a difference between taking charge and being aggressive or condescending. Leadership can be just as powerful when it’s quiet and restrained.There are plenty of opportunities for you to do this while dating. For instance, if you’re asking someone out and they don’t know where to eat, don’t hem and haw along with the other person—make the call and be done with it.
2Have a variety of interests, dimensions, and facets. Women are attracted to complexity and multi-dimensional people. Sexy people are interesting people, and interesting people have hobbies and passions apart from doin’ it. Set aside time for yourself to keep up with whatever leisure activities you’re interested in.Hobbies give you time to unwind and decompress so that you can be relaxed and calm when you’re around other people. It also gives you something interesting to talk about (other than school, or work, or the weather) next time you’re trying to chat someone up. You play traditional claw hammer banjo in a jug band? Sexy.Don’t have extracurricular interests? Get some! Take up a sport you’ve always admired, practice an art such as singing or painting, start building projects with your own two hands—whatever it is that you’ve wanted to do, but never started for whatever reason. Commit to learning and chalk it up to being sexy. You’ll feel better about yourself, which translates to being more confident and attractive.
3Act your age. Women aren’t attracted to juvenile antics or childlike foolishness. If you want to appeal to a woman, be smart, confident, and adult above all else. Things like grooming, ambition, and intelligence are all deemed sexy traits by women, so don’t be afraid to dress up, discuss serious topics, and talk about your dreams for your life. It’s not “lame,” it’s sexy, and it’ll let you get closer together.Be classy every now and then. Foreign films? French wine? Knowing how to dance? It’s no joke: women find these things sexy. Channel your inner Sinatra and class up the joint if you want to up your sex appeal. It’s adult and it’s sexy.Show your smarts, but don’t show off. Talking about the Milton thesis you wrote in college isn’t interesting (unless it’s somehow on topic). Surprise women with smart ideas, fun perspectives, and quirky intelligent humor, not with regurgitating junk you read on Wikipedia.
4Be attentive. Women appreciate compliments about their grooming, their personality, and their humor not because of vanity, but because women appreciate generosity and attentiveness.[6]XResearch source Forget gifts and tokens of your affection, tell a woman instead that you’re thinking about her. That’s sexy.
5Be fun and be funny. Women find a good sense of humor very sexy, especially when it comes from a place of confidence and self-assurance. If you’re funny and you know it, put those skills on display. Women want someone who will be adventurous and show them a good time, not a wet-noodle who’s going to want to hang around the house on Friday night playing video games. Be adventurous and hilarious in equal measure.No juvenile toilet humor, guys. You’re not in the frat house. There’s a difference between coming up with a fun idea to explore the food carts and Japanese gardens in the city over the weekend and coming up with an idea to get smashed at a bar around the corner from your house. All ideas are not created equal. Have good ones.AdvertisementMethod 4Method 4 of 4:Attracting Men
1Wear red. Some studies show that men are instinctively attracted to the color red, which–you guessed it–ignites the male passion and libido. And we humans aren’t the only ones: some primate species and birds associate the color red with their mating rituals.[7]XResearch sourceLike humans blush when embarrassed, hot, or turned on, female baboons will make their fertility known by displaying flushing, or redness, on their genitals and chest.[8]XResearch source It’s biological!
2Emphasize your eyes. Apparently, men are less shallow than their reputation. Rather than being first draw to a woman’s chest, as is generally thought, research reveals that men are actually first attracted to the eyes, not the cleavage.[9]XResearch source If you want to attract a guy, emphasize your eyes with make-up to highlight their natural brilliance and beauty.Wear clothes and use make-up that will bring out the color in your eyes to help ensure that guys will get lost in them. You’ll have him!
3Empathize and be agreeable. Men find agreeableness sexy and attractive. When deciding what to do, where to go, or how to approach a particular task, most men find it preferable to follow the simplest, as opposed to the “best” or most complex solution. Correspondingly, men find agreeableness and a willingness to act sexy in prospective partners.If a guy comes up with an idea to go out for a slice of pizza, and seems genuinely excited about it, going along with it will seem sexy to him, even if you’re not excited. If you’re still full from lunch, does it really matter? Take a few bites and enjoy the company.This doesn’t mean you should be a wet noodle, but you should prioritize things that require debate and decision-making and things that are better off left undiscussed. Guys don’t want to talk about what to eat for dinner for longer than 5 minutes.
4Be moderately neurotic. Studies show that men are turned off by both overly-cool and calm prospective mates, as well as hyper-stressed partners. However, people with “moderately neurotic” characteristics are usually rated by men as the sexiest. But what does that mean for you exactly?To appeal to men, it’s good to sweat the big stuff and let the little stuff slide. When it comes to your career, your family, and your health, it’s good to be somewhat neurotic, serious, and concerned. When it comes to finding a place to eat lunch, go easy.Don’t affect weirdness to have more sex appeal, just be genuine and avoid sharing overly-personal neuroses with people you’re attracted to. You might be feeling neurotic about your dog’s weird skin warts, but that’s probably not something to discuss with a date.
5Maintain a little mystery. Keep people guessing! Don’t give away every single detail about yourself right away. People like a puzzle, and they’ll be more interested in who you are and what you’re doing if they don’t know everything. Save some good stories to detail later, and keep certain parts of yourself private until the opportune time. It’ll seem that much sexier when you reveal more.If someone you like starts pressing for personal details, you could even turn it into a sly and flirty put-off. “If I told you, I’d have to kill you” is an old classic line, but you could also try “Sorry, that’s classified” or “That’s need-to-know information.” For extra appeal, smile or wink as you say it.
6Keep a full calendar. Don’t just spend your time trying to have sex appeal or worrying about what other people think—keep your life interesting and full of events. Socialize, keep up with your hobbies, and try new experiences. You’ll feel more confident, and other people will be more attracted to you as a result.If you lead a generally quiet life, it’s still ok to give the impression that your life is busy. If someone asks you out, plan it for a time that works best for you. Keep them wanting. Making a guy wait a few days for the date builds anticipation, which can be sexy.Advertisement
